The Healing Spiral
I recently had an evening where I couldn’t sleep. My body, physically exhausted. My mind, tap dancing through many a vibrant landscape. My partner was next to me snoozing away, so I got up and made some bedtime tea. I tried again only to frustratingly lay there tippetty-tap-tapping away. I went downstairs and ended up falling asleep on the couch. The next thing I knew, a shadowy figure was hovering over me as I was yanked from sleep. Gasping awake and recoiling, I burst into tears.
🎶Hello trauma my old friend🎶
My partner had tried to give me a gentle kiss on the forehead to wake me up and move me back to bed. He was kind and loving seeing my reaction, holding me til the tears were exhausted. The next day I had so many feelings running through me on top of a lack of sleep. For the next few days I sat with the recoil of being unexpectedly and deeply triggered.
I had started writing about my healing journey just the week before. I wasn’t sure if it was something I would share, but this recent experience nudged me to put it into this blog space. It may not be seen by many, but I hope that whoever reads this can find some comfort in knowing they’re not alone on the healing path. In writing this I’ve seen what a long and winding journey I’ve been on. I can’t possibly fit it all into one blog. There will be more in-depth pieces to come. This is merely an overview…
The first time I experienced breathwork was at a week long theraputic intensive. By that time I had a couple of years sobriety under my belt and had lost 100lbs of excess weight in the process. Though life had improved drastically after I quit drinking, I had yet to pull the thread that would begin to unravel the dense coat of trauma I had been carrying since childhood. I remember having breath work described to me and thinking, “Yeah, whatever with this Yoda shit.” I had no idea it would be a catalyst for so much more. What was released during that holotropic breathing session were memories deeply buried. I had always known that something had happened to me when I was younger, but not what IT was. I had a large chunk of missing years from my childhood memory and now I knew why. Where I had always shied away from sharing my innermost self, I became willing to finally seek regular therapeutic help. I didn’t revisit breath work again til years later.
It wasn’t long after this experience that my dad passed away to cancer. My addictive behavior, no longer engaged in its poison of choice, set its sights on “healthier” pursuits. Struggling with body dysmorphia, I worked out constantly and began to engage in disordered eating. I became a fitness instructor, which was a far departure from having always worked in kitchens, cooking or baking. I had been comfortable hiding in the back of the house. It was scary making myself “people” at first. However, I found great purpose in connecting with others. I enjoyed helping people feel good in their bodies, even if I didn’t yet know how to love my own.
A couple years later I got divorced, throwing myself even harder into physical pursuits. I was teaching a ridiculous amount of cardio classes and took up running on top of it. I went into adrenal fatigue multiple times. Eventually I decided to get my yoga teacher certification, wanting a format that would allow my body some rest while instructing. I had also entered into a whirlwind romance with a very toxic individual. I hesitate to use such a trendy word as narcissist, but all the markers were there. During a time where I felt like I was loosing my mind, yoga made me sit and be present. I found a regular meditation practice and some massive shifts began to take place. I was doored while riding my bike around this time and sustained a bad concussion. A friend suggested microdosing with psilocybin for healing the brain injury. Being in recovery, I had been afraid to try it, but i was desperate for relief from intense post-concussive symptoms. The microdose improved my symptoms immensely and helped change the way I thought about plants, the way we connect with them and their potent medicine in subtle doses.
When I finally found it in myself to break free from my own codependent behaviors and leave the relationship that was whittling my self worth to nothing, something miraculous happened. It was an act of self-love and preservation that sparked my spirit alive. An awakening had begun. A whole new world was opening up to me. I would hurry to the cushion to sit and meditate after getting home from work. After running for so long, it was time to face myself. I resolved to be celibate for at least a year and dive deeper into the healing work that was needed. I didn’t want to keep making the same poor decisions.
I had a knowing that I was meant to help others in a way that was beyond the physical. Sometimes teary eyed I would ask to be shown what my work was. What was I meant to be doing? HOW was I meant to help others? I randomly happened upon a breathwork offering that was near my house and decided to go. I hadn’t thought about breathwork since that one pivotal experience I had 8 years earlier. I didn’t know it was something I could seek out elsewhere. I knew leaving that night that I had found IT. How perfect, circling back to the thing that had been the kickstarter to finding my hidden spaces within.
The facilitator training was expensive, but the settlement from being doored came through just when I needed it. Through training to be a facilitator for pranayama yoga breath work, so many of my own layers began to peel away. I found self-forgiveness. My anxiety lessened. I began to love myself more. My addictive behaviors began to drop away. Finding even more connection with the plant realm, I started working with flower essences and received so much assistance as these changes took place. Half way through training, shut down happened and I was given the stillness and physical rest I needed to continue going deeper.
During this time, I made contact with a group of women that made plant medicine. They were looking for an intern to help with medicine making. With my cooking/baking experience and newfound connection with the plants it was what seemed to be the perfect opportunity. Their core values and spiritual beliefs mirrored my own. I had traded in my my skeptical younger self for a spiritual self with little discernment. *If you’re asked to sign an NDA before joining a work-live situation, there’s probably a reason why.* I had cut toxicity out of my romantic life, only to find it in a “spiritual” work space. After I came back to Portland I felt defeated. It felt like an even shittier breakup than the one before because there was spiritual betrayal this time. I went into a long emotional winter.
Shut down made staying celibate easy. I surpassed my one year goal and ended up going longer. I was learning to like being with me. I continued to journey with my breath. As things started to open back up, I began sharing breathwork at various gatherings. I got to collaborate with my dear friend and energetic marvel Ariel and hence, started doing work with Embody Retreats. I met Sienna, a medicine maker and practitioner that expanded my healing work with microdosing psilocybin. I have started facing long held fears (driving, singing, opening my heart).
My inner landscape has beautified beyond anything I could have dreamed. I decided to stop settling and waited til I found a partner where all my needs were met. I have been blessed with a deep love where I feel seen, heard, and respected. I have found true friends and a community dedicated to doing the work together. There is a great change happening and it takes all of us. We need each other, one step, one breath at a time.
The healing path is a spiral. Sometimes revisiting things is uncomfortable, but it brings the opportunity to see our growth. Having faced a recent trigger, I can see old mechanisms try to take hold and softly say, “No, this isn’t the way. Let’s try something more loving this time”. Though I may have been in a funk for a few days, years ago this kind of thing would have ruled my brain for months. This is progress. This is the result of doing the work.
Admittedly, I’ve been slacking. I needed a rest and it’s ok to rest. However, it’s time to start back up when we have the energy. I am hearing the call to dive in again. Having a breathwork practice helps me clear away the clutter and junk. I am lighter, more joyful and heart centered when I am tapping into my breath regularly. This is a call to myself to resume the work. I hope you hear the call too and know you are very much needed on this path. We all have different struggles and journeys to take. They are all valid and deserve care. I’m here to be of service if you need a hand to hold along the way. YOU are the healer. YOU hold the magic. I will be honored to walk with you.